While I was finishing up at work on December 28th my husband sent me a panicked text informing me that we had received a bill from the IRS for over $29,000. Apparently, a distribution we took from our 401K in 2018 spurred an audit, and they were also claiming I had unreported income from my business. I sent an emergency email to our accountant hoping and praying that this was a mistake and she could help us sort it out. While I waited for her response, I was, absolutely and without a doubt experiencing the pinnacle of physical stress. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking, my brain was racing. "Where would we possibly come up with this money???" My default body state is pretty calm- I have a virtually stress free job, and I don't often sweat the small stuff. So this new found panic with tight muscles and racing heartbeat was nearly foreign and absolutely awful for me to try and navigate. I knew consciously this feeling would subside in time, but those gut punch sensations that come up when you remember the stressful situation, are also no fun at all. I decided before I left work that I would perform my worry box ritual.
Our brains and bodies are still on a journey of evolving and adapting to modern times. Sometimes we physically react to situations as though we are in physical danger, even though that is not the case. We are not going to die because our child is failing a class, a bill did not get paid, or someone is angry with us. (Of course I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that people who are in an abusive living situation actually can be in danger, and the physical manifestation of fear is very legitimate- but for my purposes here, I am speaking of a subconscious perception of danger that is not real.) Situational stress response is uncomfortable to be sure, but it also has potential for long term health issues. Our brains also have this tendency to not only ruminate on one negative thought but then to call upon all the other stressful, terrible, awful things that have happened or that we are feeling. It's important to not only acknowledge that this happens, but to be able to stop it in its tracks, and have tools in our tool box for managing our physical response to these situations.
I came up with my "worry box" when often as I would lay down for a mid afternoon nap, a nagging thought would pop up, and I could no longer relax. I felt guilty for not dealing with this, whatever it was, right then and there, and a nap was then no longer an option. I finally had enough of this pattern and imagined a box with a heavy lid, sometimes even a lock. I would think the thought, place it in the box, close my eyes and try to relax. If the thought crept in, I would imagine it trying to escape the box, and put it back without giving it much play in my head at all. Over time, I became pretty good at putting a few things in the box even before my nap to cover my bases.
I decided recently that I would get a physical box and create a ritual with it for more stressful situations. I did not have my box at work that December day so I used the one in my imagination, and the rest of the ritual was the same. I imagined writing the worry on a piece of paper, placed it in the box and then sat down to do some meditation. The meditation can change depending on the level of stress. If I am particularly unhinged, I'll bring out my drum and beat loud and fast to match my heartbeat, then gradually slow the beat down to entrain myself to a more calm state. I'll often sit with my breath, or do a humming meditation, sometimes even some self Reiki. I'll play my Tibetan bowls and feel the vibration wash over me, taking away all the physical remnants of that worry. You could make this ritual your own and incorporate candles, incense or smudging sage, essential oils (especially lavender, frankincense, chamomile or sandalwood), crystals (my box even has a sacred geometry grid on the top), or make it part of a bath ritual. Anything that you associate with calming. Journaling is often a go to for stress management, but be warned: it may unconsciously bring the "beast" out of the box.
This magic worked extremely well on another occasion that my "mama bear" came out when my son experienced some cyberbullying. I wanted so badly to send this person a direct message on Instagram and let her have it, but I stopped myself knowing that would help for all of five minutes, but then certainly stir up more drama. I drummed and meditated instead, and the huge knot in my stomach went away, and the constant and inappropriately timed hot tears streaming down my face did stop.
Now. That worry is still in the box. It cannot stay there. BUT, now I am much better equipped to deal with it in a rational way. For the IRS debacle, I carefully read over the letter, waited (as patiently as I could) for the accountant to respond- which luckily was the same night. Other times, I'll write out a plan step by step for dealing with the problem. Even if the problem cannot be solved right away, a plan in place goes a long way to managing the stress surrounding it. If it's a personal issue, to actually do the difficult thing of reaching out, but now I'm no longer reacting from a hyper-passionate or irrational place, and things can usually go much more smoothly. Like with the cyberbully situation, I was able to turn all my attention to my son instead of someone who was not deserving of my time or my energy. I was calm and measured, and he believed me when I told him it was all going to be ok.
The tax story did have a semi happy ending, by the way. It was a lot of run around to get the paperwork necessary to prove that we weren't trying to pull one over on the IRS, and we still owed a little having jumped into another tax bracket, but at the end of the day it was NOWHERE near $29,000.
